Want to become a K-POP Star?

Follow your dreams, write bad poetry, have a rich dad and you, too, can be a K-POP douchebag star.

Do YOU think you have what it takes to become Korea’s next top Pop star? Have you ever thought to yourself along the lines of, “Gee gee gee gee, I could totally sing better than Sohee”, or “I’m a badder gangster than Tablo any day,” or “DBSK can’t acapella like I can acapella”?

Well, Korean Beef has a few untried, untested but very true tips for you if you ever plan on auditioning for SM, JYP, YG or any other major label. But before we get into it, we should throw this out there: if you are white, you are pretty much already a celebrity in Korea. If you are brown, black, blue, pink, green or any other color of the spectrum other than appropriate Asian-yellow, then chances are Korea doesn’t want you unless you are at least half.

Don’t look at us like that — we’re just stating the facts. Korea is full of xenophobic assholes and we thought we’d put that out there before some angry racists from the Far East decide to pelt your sorry ass with last week’s kimchi. In fact, if it makes you feel any better,  a few writers here aren’t of East Asian descent either.

If you are, then you’re in luck! Korean Beef, after years of excruciatingly long, detailed and guesstimated research have found some fail free tips for you to try the next time you make an ass of yourself at an audition.

1. You Don’t Have to Know Korean Language

Thus, there is no reason for you to attempt a weak “Annyoung ha seh yo” and a sheepish “mian hae yo” when you land in the judge’s pitcher of water after failing a dance move. No siree, you can just be as clueless at Korean as Henry Lau, Park Jaebum or any other Korean born outside of Korea.

Oh but I hear your complaints right now, “That makes no sense. In order to be a Korean pop star, you should be at least able to speak the language!”

My friends, Korea does not roll that way when it comes to celebrities. The fact you’re famous and speak a fancy foreign language like English, Chinese, Tagalog or Japanese is enough to amuse them. Of course, if you weren’t famous, there’s a chance you’d get treated like dirt — but we digress. The point is, when that judge is impressed by your hearty “Hello, Annyoung ha seh yo, I’m Urbanstereo of Korean Beefland, U.S.A” and constantly flaunting of your impressive English skills, you will be famous. And that is good enough for Korea.

2. Plastic Surgery is Your Friend

You probably knew this was a given already — it’d be pretty dumb to think Korea is the only country with this procedure (like the Ayutards who blistfully ignore Ayumi Hamasaki’s constantly widening eyes). But we stress this — it’s more important. Looking like Kim Jaejoong’s 50th clone is more important than your actual talent. Korea is actually well-known as the leader of plastic surgery and one of Seoul’s districts is entirely dedicated to finding inexpensive cosmetic surgeons. Hell, parents are known to give their children plastic surgery as gifts. We’ll also add that Korea Websphere is the place  to find Ulljjang (trans: best face; Eol = face, zzang = best),  where Netizens pretty much pretend they are plastic fantastic celebrities.

Think you’d be the exception? Think again.

Sure you could somehow wing it like a few artists and brag that you’ll never have double-eyelid surgery, but that’s just double eyelid surgery. What about the Entertainment World’s demand you have a nosejob, or some face reshaping?

If you went through interviews from Younha and Rain,  they’ll recount how most companies don’t even want to look at you if you have “shrimp eyes”. Zia, a singer with no work whatsoever, had his face hidden by his own damn company because they thought he was too ugly to air.

Appearance is everything in Korea. It is true makeup also plays a major role and eyes can widen on their own. But here’s the catch: if you want to be K-pop’s biggest star since Seo Taiji then get your ass over to the closest cosmetic surgeon. Even he had skin treatments, and he’s the goddamned rock star “rebel” of Korea.

3. Admit All Your “Problems” and “Life Story”…

Korean Beef is realistic. Korea isn’t the only country who enjoys a good sob story — hell, there’s sob stories from nearly all big name celebrities around the globe.

Many popular stories told that you could plagarize from and get away with all follow this similar formula: you grew up in a shack with your mom in poverty because your daddy was a rapist and ran away after the deed. One day you watched 50cent on your neighbour’s TV (remember, you are too poor to even afford one) and went, “damn, I want to be an international pop sensation too one day!”

That’s when you decided to work your ass off honing your amazing musical talents. It was difficult to do when you were working every goddamned food stall and sweeping the floors in Lotte World at the same time, but through your mom’s amazing encouragement you pulled through.

You sent in over 9000 demo tapes to all the Korean music labels you could think of. Agent after agent calls to reject you because of your tiny eyes. During this time, your mom fell ill with stomach cancer and died. The day of her death and her final words, “Hae-yu, may you reach your dreams. I prayed for you every day,” Lee Soo Man himself calls you and gives you a 20-year-contract.

As a trainee, you conquered at least 5 languages, became a better dancer than Justin Timbalake and could out-rap Outsider in an MC battle. That was all through your mom’s constant encouragement from the grave — and, of course, a modest ego.

Be sure to stress this in all your future interviews. Everyone loves someone who brags about their non-existant ego and amazing work ethic.

4. … But Be Careful To Not Spill Too Much

Tragedies and the thousands of Korean celebrity suicides per-year are usually a result of being manipulated too much by their respective companies, too much illness or depression, a false scandal, not being allowed to watch TV, or — this is the biggest reason — spilling too many problems honestly.

Because honestly, Korea doesn’t want to think you’re a sodomy-loving blasphemy to society. If you spill along the lines of homosexuality, disability or anything else that could make the majority see you as a “lesser person”, you can kiss your career goodbye.

While it’s true there are some famous celebrities who are an exception to this rule — a transgendered group called Lady, for one — Korea will otherwise pretend you don’t exist. Not only that, if they do choose to acknowledge you exist, then expect your cell phone filled with hate mail. Hell, even the exceptions don’t get publicity like their “normal” peers.

So when you tear-jerk your audience, don’t spill too much or it could backfire. Korean Beef cares about your career. If you decide you do want to talk about it, don’t admit it. Talk about it in a joking manner.

Take this example, from the experienced smooth talker Urbanstereo, pretending to be on a variety show:
“So I hung out with Smiley a lot yesterday. I took her face and drew her in… to give her a hug. LMAO ROFL.”

You wouldn’t be none the wiser.

5. Flatter the Company You’re Auditioning For

This is also another common sense point. Auditioning for SM but have been practising your heart out singing to Hyori Lee’s Get Ya? You could sing Get Ya so well it’d put Hyori Lee in tears over your amazing talent, but in SM? Not going to fly.

Generally flattery doesn’t get you anywhere, but ass-kissing in the right places does get you up to the top. If you are auditioning for YG, perform a Big Bang, Se7en, 1Tym or 2NE1 song. If you’re auditioning for JYP then cover a Wonder Girls’ song. Auditioning at SM? Bust out Gee.

So we’re telling you not to just practise one song, but practise a whole damn library of songs so you have the right ammo for the right people. Not only that but when you do debut, you’ll be a step ahead of your peers for memorizing so many songs in such a short time.

6. Act as American/European as Possible

Koreans love American things. They hate Americans, but they love the culture, the things, fashion, food, their incomes, green cards… it goes on. Naturally, having an American or European background will amp your chances of becoming a super star.

Not American or European? Never fear. Watch a few seasons of America’s most famous sitcoms of the now, fake the neutral accent and make sure you have a vast knowledge of American labels.

7. But Don’t Discount Korean Pride or Culture

Tiffany of SNSD and Jaebum of 2PM ran into a wall on this one. We reinforce that you should act as culturally American as possible — this will give you an undeniable edge.

Assuming you are a smart American, take the time to remember Koreans are really butthurt when it comes to pride (much like Americans, OH SNAP EDGY), so insulting anything Korean could get angry netizens on your ass telling you to go right the fuck back to America and not come back.

Therefore, we highly discourage stating sentences such as, “Korea’s shrimp burgers are delicious, but they have nothing on the juicy goodness of an American 100% beef burger.”

If you were to blog with that sentence, many angry Koreans netizens may say, “If America is so great, then go back there and enjoy your Mad Cow Disease.”
“America’s shrimp burgers suck. Korea is the world leader of shrimp burger. You hate Koreans.”
“You pig!! American food is for pigs!!”

This point is even more important: if you happen to be a weeaboo, AVOID MENTIONING JAPAN IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES UNLESS YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST, such as if you took a trip to Tokyo. Be sure to enforce this by saying Samsung is much better than Sony as sincerely and non-chalant as you can sound. If you want to escalate to Korean National Hero, put ads in the newspaper stating the Dokkdo Islands belong to Korea. And never, ever mention it as the “Japan Sea”. East sea is the PC term here.

8. Don’t Insult Other Artists

You can probably think who’ll re-appear in this section: our favourite girl, Tiffany. Taeyeon also has a reputation for running her mouth against her fellow idols. While, yes, it generates a ton of attention to yourself and your group, be prepared to be snubbed by angry fans of other fanclubs, receive hate mail and other silly things.

However, Korean Beef is not adverse to being insulted. We love free press and publication generated from the public. As G-Dragon says, we love y’all. But mostly if you pimp and visit us.

Urbanstereo is the main writer for K-POP BACON and Korean Beef. When not devising ways to insult people who don’t know her, she is usually sleeping or eating pie. She has written for KoME in the past, as well as donated articles to various other online Korean entertainment blogs. She doesn’t always use spellcheck or edit her articles word-for-word, but she doesn’t need to with her 185IQ.